With the onset of Caitlyn Jenner and all the talk on Transgenders.  I was fortunate enough almost 5 years ago to meet Kaleb Avedon.  We became fast friends and would talk for hours about the bible, about his wishes as a woman to want to be male.  Kaleb is not a lesbian for me Kaleb was born into the wrong body.  He knew from as young as 3 years old that he was different but didn't know how to express or deal with it.  I know a lot of what I have learned about this very controversial subject was because of Kaleb.  I think it was me and asking the questions and getting very direct answers that I learned and passed on what I knew to others.

 

For readers who may be confused on what a transgender means.  Transgender people experience a mismatch between their gender identity or gender expression and their assigned sex

 

Many transgender people experience a period of identity development that includes gaining better understanding their self-image, self-reflection, and self-expression. The degree to which individuals feel genuine, authentic, and comfortable within their external appearance and accept their genuine identity. 

 

Being transgender is independent of sexual orientation; transgender people may identify as heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, asexual, etc., or may consider conventional sexual orientation labels inadequate or inapplicable.

 

They are labels and I do feel that even for Kaleb he goes outside the "Label" and is just HIM. 

 

 I sat down with Kaleb and his now rl gf and wife in Second Life Ephany Royce.   Ephany as with many of Kaleb's girlfriends his whole life is a hetrosexual women. 

 

AJ:   What brought Kaleb to Second Life? 

 

KA:   I came to SL for a girlfriend I had in RL. Her name is Michele. I was stupidly in love with her, and our relationship was not doing very well. She had found Second Life and asked me to come along.  I felt I needed to do anything I could to salvage our relationship so I created my first avatar in SL; Kaleb Avedon. Despite my best attempts, we didn’t work out and she found someone through SL.

 

AJ:  Can you tell the reason that Kaleb was born on Second Life?

 

KA:   I can tell you exactly what I was thinking when I made Kaleb. I was thinking I was tired of being everything everyone else wanted me to be in RL.  I wanted, for the first time, to be me, to be what I always wanted to be.  I decided, if SL was everything I heard it was, a world where I could do anything I could do in RL only better, then I would be what I always secretly desired to be and felt I was; a man. And so I created Kaleb, and from the moment I entered SL, it always felt good. It felt right!

 

AJ:  What was it about being a man on SL that made you go that route instead of the obvious for people? 

 

KA:   I felt tired of being everything everyone else wanted me to be. I took a chance on being what and who I felt I was inside, for once.  Once I had that male body, once I became that avatar, I felt free! I felt complete for the first time in my life.  There was no way I could go back on my decision of being a man in SL. It would be like a free slave choosing slavery again.  It just would never happen.

 

Being Kaleb in second life made me realize it was not an extension of myself, it had truly turned out to be me, my reflection, what I knew I should have been all along. I always loved the song “Reflection” From the movie Mulan, because I identified with the lyrics on so many levels, especially the ones which read “When will my reflection show, who I am inside?”  Kaleb Avedon was finally that reflection which showed who I truly was inside.

 

AJ:  Many of our readers will know what transgender is, for those that don't, can you tell us Kaleb?  And also where you fit in the world for you?

 

KA:  That is an interesting question because, honestly, for me it was hard at first to see myself as a transgender. It was actually through Second Life, and after probably 3 years of being Kaleb Avedon that one day it hit me like driving into a brick wall at 200 mph.  I am not a lesbian! OMG!!! I AM TRANSGENDER!!!!! My whole world shook LOL. That realization at 37 years old was tough, but it made so much more sense to me than anything else I thought I was before.  How I felt like a boy when I was a child, all my actions, my thoughts, how I felt, my love relationships with mostly straight women, fit perfectly with what a transgender was.  I truly am a man trapped in a woman’s body, which is what a transgender person is.  It is being of one sex physically, but mind and soul of another.

 

This realization was not easy to digest. I asked my psychologist to help me deal with it and right off the bat she said to me, “You are not transgender.” I was stunned. “Why?” I asked perplexed. “Because you are not willing to go through the sex change operation.” That really got me thinking. Part of me agreed with her, but part of me did not.  But to make a long story short, after a lot of soul searching, and after long conversations with an amazing woman, who is my SL and RL partner. I realized that labels are sometimes so restricting.  I am not gay, nor transgender, but if I must label myself as something I will call it what my partner Ephany Royce calls it; Bigender.

 

There are people like Caitlyn Jenner and Chaz Bono who are willing to complete the process of becoming the sex which they feel inside.  I admire those people.  It takes a lot of courage, physical and psychological preparation to do so, not to mention the monetary aspect, which is a blessing in itself, for the surgeries are very expensive. I, on the other hand, even though I feel like a transgender, am not willing to go the distance people like those celebrities did, for many reasons. Those reasons are the ones I consider myself bigender; for example:

 

1.    The physical mutilation and pain are too much of a sacrifice for the psychological “feel good” factor most people who do the change are seeking.  Basically, my train of thought is, why have a penis when it is not real? At the end of the day, it is really all psychological, and Second Life helped me figure that out.  In second Life I have the body I wish and desire. I have lived as a man in SL and people have treated me like a man. So the aspect of fulfilling that need has been met through Second Life.

 

I made it my mission to surround myself of people who understand I am a man, and those who don’t I discard. I am true to myself in SL, and it has helped me be true to myself in RL. It has taken 6 years, and it is still on going. The changes I have made in my life from the moment I realized I was transgender, have been monumental, just as monumental as any transgender who has gone through the sex change operation. But my changes have been psychological.  After realizing I am a man, I let myself be a man. Rediscovering yourself is an ongoing process, and I am planning to keep doing it.  I pretty much like to live my life by Socrates quote; “An unexamined life is not worth living.” At the end of the day we all do what is necessary to feel good about who we are.  There is no right or wrong in this, unless of course you are an ax murderer.

 

2.    All the accomplishments I have achieved in my female form are not things I am willing to lightly give up.  I fought very hard for them and sacrificed a lot. They have shaped me into the person I am today.  I have a reputation I worked very hard to establish and I am proud of it, along with all of my academic and career achievements. I did those as a female, and I am very proud of them and of me as well.  It wasn’t easy but it was satisfying. I am not ashamed my female side did them. Even though it has been a long process of accepting my female form, I have learned to celebrate her. She is pretty awesome!

 

3.    My parents and family, although they are very loving, I believe, would not be able to cope. I realize it is unfair to be thinking for them, but coming from a Hispanic, religious background I can guarantee it will be something that will not be easy to swallow, especially for my parents, which are the people I care about the most. They had a hard time dealing with the fact I was “gay” and are now coming to terms with it, even if I have never thought of myself as gay.   I think telling them I am transgender will devastate them. They are in their 60’s now and mind you, I am lucky they are very healthy.  I want what is left of our time together on this earth to be joyful and loving. They don’t need to know, and I have no need in me to tell them.  I really don’t. I feel I have achieved enough psychologically for me to feel good with it, and at peace.

 

And just to be clear, I am not saying that people who go through the change are wrong to do so.  It’s just not something I feel comfortable doing.  It is not my path. But basically, even though I wish I was born in male body, and even though I wish I had a male body, I cannot change my body into that of a man.  I believe that is not my journey. I do believe this; the amazing people who do go through the change, are paving a way into educating the world about transgender people everywhere.

 

AJ:  Was it something that you wanted to keep secret and if so why?  If not please explain more for our Diversity readers?

 

KA:   I absolutely wanted to keep it a secret but only in RL not SL. When you are behind an avatar it takes away all restrictions, but not in RL. Being transgender is not something I go out and advertise to the world in RL, just like a straight person does not go out into the world and advertise they are straight.  That is nobody's business but mine.  And also, I think even though people like Caitlyn Jenner are educating people about it, it is still a concept that needs to be grasped. We are not there yet.  As I proceed into having a personal relationship with anyone on any level, I do flat out say I am transgender, but if it is not a personal relationship (like for example at work) I am not afraid of just plain saying I am gay, especially now that gay people have equal rights. But that is if it comes up in the topic of conversation or someone asks, which honestly it

is not a very common thing. I don’t like to advertise my gender views to anyone, so actually doing so in public now is a big step for me, because before I would not say anything and it bugged the heck out of me.

 

AJ:  Do you feel any negativity toward you being of the opposite gender you are in RL?

 

KA:  I am coming to terms with my female body now.  I hated it for such a long time. It has taken me a while to get here, and I am feeling much at peace with it now.  I would not go through the sex change operation, as I have stated before, however there are things I would consider doing that would make me feel better. I would do the top surgery and remove my breasts and I would consider doing an oblation, which would stop the menstrual cycle, without affecting the hormone production a female body needs. This would give me more energy without the PMS LOL.

 

I think having the female body God gave me in this life was meant to be a journey to understand things perhaps in other lives I didn’t get. I can tell you one thing for sure, it has given me an advantage over most men. I see it this way, because I do know and understand all the changes a woman goes through physically and emotionally, I have empathy for women no physical man could ever have. To be honest, I even see it as being a perfect Yin and Yang symbol, being the perfect balance of both female and male, which truly, all of us should possess regardless of sex and gender orientation. It has helped to approach situations, not as a man or woman would approach them, but as a human being would. 

 

AJ:   Have you seen changes in the general population on Second Life regarding transgender or even men as women and women as men?

 

I think men being women and women being men is not something new in SL.  It pretty much has been going on since the beginning, but not necessarily for the same reasons I did it. Others may do it for kink, treachery, fun, role play, or even simple curiosity. Since I do not frequent places typically considered LGBT friendly, I don’t have a lot of personal experience meeting those who have similar reasons to mine. Generally I spend my time in SL buying clothes, homes, furniture, and singing.  My SL brother Shaun is female to male and open about it. He is actually going through the process of changing his body from female to male, and it is astonishing to witness. I am very proud of him for doing so, and in a way I live vicariously through him. What can I say, I always wanted a beard!

 

AJ:   Are you pretty forthright with people in second life about who Kaleb is?

 

KA:  In SL I am very up front about who and what I am. Anyone who has a personal relationship with me, whether it’s friendship or something more, knows as it is one of the first things I say to them.  It is even in my profile in my First Life tab. I hate lying. I simply hate it! I hate lying to someone, and I hate being lied to. I even hate lying to myself. And I would hate it, if I start a relationship on any level with someone and they tell me they are female and turn out to be male or vice versa. That is just wrong.

 

AJ:  If you could tell our readers a misunderstanding of this whole subject what would it be?

 

KA:   I see how everyone wants to make it a religious issue and it is truly not.  I know religious groups have a lot to say on the subject, but at the end of the day it really does not matter because it is not about religion’s rights or wrongs, it is about civil rights; it is about just being civilized with each other.

 

At the end of the day the biggest battle is truly fought by the people who are LBGT, not the ones judging them. The soul searching, the questioning, the validation one goes through to accept himself/herself as a human being is horrendous and punishment enough if it is indeed a “sin”, which I believe whole heartedly it is not. We are all in a journey through life to be... to just BE, and find who we were meant to BE regardless of whether you are straight or not. Let’s respect that. Like Plato once said. “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” And that battle, ironically enough, is the eternal conflict of who we truly are in a society filled with inadequate labels designed to force our uniqueness into superficial categories.  

 

Thank you Ephany for your patience in sitting with Kaleb and I on this journey.  And Kaleb thank you for being so candid and forthright in this article.  You know how proud of you I always am we have been friends for a long time.  But I think I am more proud of you at this moment then I have ever been.  Again from the bottom of my heart thank you.  And I love you both very much. 

 

Also some links for our readers with regards to this wonderful man Kaleb Avedon.